hestiaWays families have done this
Ideas for a farewell
Ways other families have shaped a goodbye. None of this is a rule, and none of it is a set of options to pick from. If one of them sounds like the person you are thinking of, keep it. What you keep becomes a farewell in your own words, with the exact things to ask a funeral director for. Nothing is sent anywhere and no account is needed.
For either moment:Use nowUse aheadsame questions, different timing
What would you like to honor?
You can choose more than one, or none at all, and we will show you everything either way. Choosing simply brings those ideas to the front.
If there is a tradition you are holding in mind
Entirely optional. We are not an authority on anyone's tradition, and we will never tell you what yours asks of you. This only helps us put the more likely ideas first.
Nothing selected, so everything is here.
A table of their life
A long table, and the things they actually touched. Reading glasses, a tool from the shed, a recipe in their handwriting, the jumper they always wore. People pick things up, and the stories arrive on their own without anyone having to make a speech.
A few ways families have done this
- A single small table by the door, so people pass it as they arrive.
- One object per person, brought by whoever knew them in that part of their life.
- Photographs only, laid face up, with a bowl of pens so people can write on the back.
We would like to set out a table of their things where people can see them. Is there somewhere we could do that, and when could we come in to set it up?
Ofrenda or Día de los Muertos altar · Incense or an altar · Family gathering over several days
Music that was actually theirs
Not what is usually played, but what they really listened to. The song from the kitchen radio. Something they sang badly and often. One family played a whole album while people arrived, and nobody spoke until it finished.
A few ways families have done this
- One song at the start and one at the end, with quiet in between.
- A playlist made by the grandchildren, played softly through the whole gathering.
- Live and imperfect: whoever in the family plays, playing.
We would love to play some of their own music rather than the usual pieces. Would that be possible, and what would we need to bring?
Homegoing celebration · Drumming, procession or a walk
Lighting something
A candle, a diya, an oil lamp. One flame lit by the eldest, or many lit one by one as people come in. It gives everyone something to do with their hands at the moment when nobody knows what to do.
A few ways families have done this
- One light, lit at the beginning and left burning through the gathering.
- A light for each person, carried in and set down together.
- Lit at home instead, on the evening before, with only the family there.
We would like to light candles during the gathering. Is that something the room allows, and is there anything we should know about doing it safely?
Candle or diya lighting · Incense or an altar · Shiva at home
Caring for them yourselves
Washing and dressing someone is work many families want to do with their own hands, and it is often possible. Some call it Ghusl, some Tahara, some simply washing them. It can happen at the funeral home, in their preparation room, with staff close by or well out of the way.
A few ways families have done this
- The whole family present, with a member of the community guiding.
- Two or three people only, quietly, with no one else in the building.
- Being present without taking part, which is enough for many people.
Our family would like to wash and dress them ourselves. Is your preparation room available to families, how much time could we have, and can you arrange for someone of the same gender to be the one who assists?
Ghusl · Tahara · No embalming
Not leaving them alone
Someone staying with them from death until burial, in shifts through the night. Often reading aloud, often simply sitting. Families who do this frequently say it was the part they were most glad of afterwards.
A few ways families have done this
- Shifts through the night, arranged between the family and the community.
- A few hours only, in the evening, which is what many funeral homes can accommodate.
- One person, one night, if that is what is possible.
We would like someone to stay with them until the burial. What hours is your building open to us, and could you make arrangements for the night?
Shomer staying with them · Quick care, burial within 24 to 48 hours · Tahara
Keeping it plain
A plain pine box, or a shroud and nothing else. For some families this is what their tradition asks for. For others it is simply what feels right, or what is affordable, and both are entirely good reasons.
A few ways families have done this
- Unfinished wood, no handles, no lining.
- A shroud alone, where the cemetery permits it.
- A casket the family makes, or decorates, themselves.
We would like the simplest option you have, a plain wooden casket or a shroud. Could you show us what that is and what it costs, and would you accept one we bring ourselves?
A simple wooden casket or plain pine · Shroud burial · Kafan, a simple shroud
Being outdoors
A graveside only, with nothing indoors at all. A gathering in a garden, a park, a field they walked in. Weather is the usual worry, and a borrowed gazebo solves most of it.
A few ways families have done this
- Graveside only, fifteen minutes, nothing else.
- A natural burial ground, where the grave is marked by what grows there.
- Indoors for the service, outdoors for the gathering afterwards.
We would like to be outdoors for this. What would that involve on your side, and is there anywhere you have worked with before?
Natural or green burial · A circle, or elements of nature · Eco-friendly choices
Walking somewhere together
From the house to the grave, or along a route that meant something. Walking gives people a way to be together without having to talk, and it turns a gathering into something that moves rather than something people sit through.
A few ways families have done this
- The last short distance only, from the gate to the grave.
- A longer walk afterwards, to a place they loved, open to whoever wants to come.
- With drums or music, if that is the tradition, or in complete silence.
We would like to walk the last part together rather than drive. Is that something you can arrange, and what would we need to think about?
Drumming, procession or a walk · A circle, or elements of nature · Homegoing celebration
Food that gathers people
What they cooked, or what they always asked for. People stay longer when there is food, and staying longer is usually the point. Several families have said the catering mattered more than the service did.
A few ways families have done this
- Their own recipe, cooked by the family, however imperfectly.
- Everyone brings one dish, which means nobody has to organize anything.
- A repast with room for people to speak as they eat, rather than beforehand.
We would like to serve food afterwards, and some of it will be cooked by the family. Is that allowed in your space, and is there a kitchen we could use?
Homegoing celebration · Family gathering over several days · Shiva at home
At home, the night before
A vigil, a rosary, a novena, people sitting in the front room with the door open. Often this is where the real gathering happens, and the next day is for everyone else.
A few ways families have done this
- One evening, close family only.
- Nine nights, as some families keep a novena.
- Seven days of people calling in, as a shiva is kept.
We are holding something at home beforehand. Could you tell us what time you would need us the next morning, so we can plan around it?
Novena, Rosary or Vigil · Shiva at home · Family gathering over several days
Letting people speak
An open microphone, or a pause long enough that someone fills it. It takes longer than anyone plans for, and almost every family afterwards says the unplanned part was the best of it.
A few ways families have done this
- Three people asked in advance, then the floor opened to anyone.
- No speeches at all, and conversation over food instead.
- Written notes, read aloud by one person, for families where speaking is hard.
We would like to leave time for people to speak, and it may run long. How much time do we have in the room altogether?
Homegoing celebration · Family gathering over several days
Doing it later
The burial or cremation now, quietly, and the gathering weeks later when people can travel and the family is no longer in the first stunned days. More families do this than talk about it.
A few ways families have done this
- A small committal now, a proper gathering in the spring.
- Nothing at all now, and a memorial on the first anniversary.
- Two gatherings, in the two places their life was lived.
We would like to hold the burial now and the gathering later. Does that change anything on your side, and what would you charge for each part separately?
Quick care, burial within 24 to 48 hours · Family gathering over several days
Making room for children
Children usually manage funerals better than adults expect, provided someone has told them what will happen and they are allowed to leave. Giving them something to do helps more than keeping them away.
A few ways families have done this
- A job each: handing out orders of service, carrying a flower, choosing a song.
- A quiet room they can go to, with someone who is not grieving to sit with them.
- A drawing left in the casket, which many children ask to do if offered.
There will be young children with us. Is there a quiet room they could use, and would it be alright for them to come in beforehand so it is less strange on the day?
Family gathering over several days · Homegoing celebration
For the people who cannot be there
A private stream for family abroad, or a recording for someone too ill to travel. It is worth asking early, because not every room is set up for it and the family doing the planning rarely thinks of it until too late.
A few ways families have done this
- A private link, for invited people only, not posted anywhere.
- A recording afterwards rather than a live stream, which is easier to arrange.
- A phone held up by a cousin, which is enough and costs nothing.
Some of our family cannot travel. Is there a way for them to join privately, and is that something you arrange or something we would bring in?
Family gathering over several days
Almost nothing at all
Four people at a graveside and no service. A cremation with nobody present, and a walk afterwards. If what you want is for this to be small and over, that is a real choice and not a lesser one.
A few ways families have done this
- Direct cremation, and the family alone somewhere afterwards.
- Immediate burial with only the people who need to be there.
- Nothing now, and nothing later either, which is also allowed.
We would like the simplest possible arrangement, with no service. What does that look like with you, and what is the total?
No embalming · Eco-friendly choices · Quick care, burial within 24 to 48 hours
Take whatever is useful and leave the rest. Most families use one or two of these, often changed beyond recognition by the time the day arrives. That is exactly how it should go.
When you know what you would like, the people nearby include celebrants, faith leaders and doulas who have supported families through these before. Nobody pays to appear there.
If it would help to keep these somewhere, a family space is free and private to the people you invite.