hestiaGoing to a funeral: what to wear, say and do
Most people worry about saying the wrong thing. The truth is that showing up matters far more than anything you say.
Before you go
- Read the obituary or notice. It will usually say whether the service is public, where to send flowers or donations, and whether the family asks for anything in particular, like bright colors.
- Dress quietly unless asked otherwise. Dark, simple clothes are always safe. Some families ask for color or a favorite team's shirt.
- Arrive a little early. Sit toward the back unless you are family.
- Silence your phone. Do not take photographs unless the family invites it.
What to say
Keep it short and true. “I'm so sorry.” “I loved working with her.” “He talked about you all the time.” A specific memory is the most precious thing you can give. Avoid explaining the loss (“everything happens for a reason”) or comparing it to your own.
If you cannot find words, a hand on the arm and “I'm thinking of you” is enough.
Children
Children can usually come if they want to and someone is there to explain what will happen and to step out with them if needed. Ask the family if you are unsure.
Afterward
The weeks after the funeral are often the loneliest. Bring a meal, offer one specific job (“Can I mow the lawn on Saturday?”), remember the birthday and the anniversary, and say the person's name. Families notice who remembers.
Keep reading
Flowers and their meanings
What different funeral flowers traditionally say, when flowers are and are not expected, and kind alternatives when a family asks for donations instead.
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The gathering afterward
The meal or reception after a funeral is where stories come out and support takes root. How to plan one simply, where to hold it, and who can help.
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