Ways to make a funeral feel like them

A wooden chest full of old printed family photographs — Photograph by Roman Kraft on Unsplash

A funeral can be a time of mourning and still be full of the person. Often the most remembered part of the day is something small that could only have been theirs.

Start with one question

Ask the family: when you picture them, what are they doing? Cooking, fixing an engine, singing in the car, reading the paper with their glasses on top of their head. That picture is usually the thread that ties the day together.

Ideas families have used

A table of their things. Their tools, their recipe cards, a well-worn jacket, the mug nobody else was allowed to use. People linger at that table and tell stories without anyone having to give a speech.
Photographs from every decade. Ask relatives to bring prints. Lay them out loose so people can pick them up, rather than behind glass.
Their music, not the usual music. The song from the kitchen radio, not only the hymn everyone expects. See choosing music.
Their food. Make their recipe for the gathering afterward, or serve the thing they always ordered.
Something to take home. Seed packets from their garden, a printed recipe, a bookmark with a line they liked.
A memory book or cards. Ask everyone to write one thing they remember. Families read these for years.
A place that was theirs. A park, a lake, a workshop, a ballfield. Not every farewell has to happen in a chapel.

Keep it within reach

None of this needs to cost anything. A funeral home cannot require you to buy their keepsakes, programs or flowers. Ask for the itemized price list and choose only what you want. How funeral costs work explains your rights.

If you are not sure where to begin, ideas for a farewell collects ways other families have done it, with words you can use to ask the funeral home.

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The gathering afterward

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