When your mother or father dies

Two older people holding hands, walking through a field in low golden light — Photograph by Narissa de Villiers on Unsplash

We are sorry. However old you are, and however expected it was, losing a parent is one of the largest changes a person goes through. You do not have to do everything at once.

First, check whether they left plans

Many parents quietly arrange things ahead. Look for a prepaid funeral contract, a letter of wishes, a will, or a note in a desk drawer. Ask the funeral homes nearby whether they have a plan on file in your parent's name. If they wrote down their wishes, most of the hard decisions are already made, and your job is to carry them out.

What has to happen soon

Choose who will care for them. Usually a funeral home, sometimes a family-led home funeral.
Let close family know, before it appears anywhere public.
Gather the details the death certificate needs: full name, date and place of birth, Social Security number, parents' names, and military service if any.

What to do when someone dies goes through the first days in order.

What can wait

The house, the car, the accounts, the clothes in the closet. Almost none of this needs to be decided in the first week, and nobody can rush you into it. The checklist for after the funeral covers it when you are ready.

Sharing it with siblings

Old family roles come back quickly at a time like this. The one who always organizes ends up doing everything, and the one who lives far away feels shut out. Write the jobs down, give each one a name, and keep it all in one place everyone can see. A family space does exactly that, free.

Making the farewell theirs

Think about what they would have laughed at, what they were proud of, and what they always said. Making it feel like them has ideas, and help with words can help with a eulogy or obituary.

Keep reading

A wooden chest full of old printed family photographs

Making it feel like them

Small, personal choices change how a funeral feels: the music they played, the things they made, the food they cooked. Ideas families have used, with nothing you have to buy.

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An open white book lying on a wooden table

Readings and poems

Classic poems and readings for a funeral or memorial, printed in full, with notes on choosing one and reading it aloud without rushing.

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